I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
