I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
