Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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