When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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