I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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