Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
