I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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