I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
