I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
