I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize