chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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