I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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