i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
