At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
