My hand turned me down
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
it's like heaven, but drunker
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
