Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
