What did we do last night that was yellow?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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