So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
