I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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