My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
