I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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