he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
