ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
