my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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