Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
