I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
