and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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