i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
