I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
