I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
