It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
