You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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