Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
