i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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