Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
