my phone needs a breathalizer
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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