Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
