I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
