I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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