I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We're too hungover to prance.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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