one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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