I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
