she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
