My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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