Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
