I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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