she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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