Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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