Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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