awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
