How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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