I just threw up on my dentist
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
COCAINE IS GR8
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
