smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
