Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
