My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
