theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
