it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
