he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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