I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
