Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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